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Hidden within every
negative feeling is the gem of its opposite. As human beings, we tend
to do everything possible to avoid feeling bad, and legitimately so.
Why on earth would we want to continue to suffer? When pain occurs, we
resist, we struggle, we act out, we defy, we avoid, we grieve-all
because we think we shouldn't be feeling this way.
Yet it is the feeling itself which has the information for us about
how to feel better. A practical mystic knows this. A practical mystic
knows that a seemingly illogical action is required in response to
negative feelings---the action of leaning into the discomfort. This
change in direction is a difficult one, and one which seems
counterintuitive. Why would we ever want to lean into something that
hurts so much or feels so bad? Unfortunately , much of our suffering
is from the resistance to the reality of the moment. Stress is exactly
that-resistance, fighting, or struggling with the overload of the
current circumstance. But in one of the unusual paradoxes of emotional
health, by merely allowing a feeling, by giving it space in our body,
mind and soul, we are gently brought to the distant shore of its
opposite, to the revelation of what is hidden within. If alchemy is
about transforming something of lesser value into something of greater
value, this is truly emotional alchemy.
The physical and emotional worlds are worlds of duality. This means
that everything can have a positive and a negative use. A knife can be
used to inflict harm or perform life-saving surgery. The essential
element is intent. So it is with the emotional world as well. Our
challenge is to discover the other side of the negative feeling. This
is not done by "thinking positively," which actually covers over and
creates more content for the unconscious mind. It is done by allowing
the emotion to be present long enough for its opposite to be revealed.
It is done by asking what the gem is in the grief, what the hidden
treasure is in pain.
All fear can be transformed into excitement. All neglect can be
transformed into freedom, all anger transformed into choice and right
action. Not until we develop the ability to bear the feelings in their
raw state first, not by dumping them on others but by tolerating them
within ourselves, can we then carry what we wish to avoid. When we do
this, we slowly develop emotional muscles. We make ourselves big
enough to bear the emotion and get to the other side more quickly. If
we do not, avoidance and postponement only prolong the suffering. As
they say the in the twelve step programs, the only way out is through.
Isn't it ironic that we are so afraid of leaning into the discomfort
because we think it will be prolonged, or that we will be wallowing?
Yet in reality it is the avoidance that prolongs the discomfort. Who
would have thought this? It does defy all reason.
You might ask, "How does this happen?" I have no answer to this other
than it is one of the great mysteries of the universe and how it
happens can only be discovered in the doing. You might ask, "How do I
know the difference between wallowing in negativity and carrying a
negative emotion to make space for it in my being?" While there is no
easy answer to this either, we have some clues. Wallowing is actually
a form of avoidance. It is an indulgence in self-pity based on a
belief that something should not be happening for some reason. It is a
very subtle and tricky form of resistance. But it is resistance,
coming from a place deep down inside that believes an injustice has
been done and it should not have happened. In this way, wallowing is
what some have called "secondary pain," an easier pain to bear than
the pain of the real thing. Secondary pain is a brilliant way to avoid
the real thing and we humans have remarkable ways of creating it. When
we discover our tricks, we are again challenged not to engage in
self-retribution, but to be willing to just shift our attention and
find a place to hold the real thing we have actually been avoiding.
It is only logical that as human beings, we all want to be happy. We
want to avoid discomfort and suffering. We label certain feelings as
bad and others as more desirable. But this belief becomes like
emotional quicksand. The harder we struggle, the deeper it gets.
Resistance makes it worse. Yet, few tools are given to us other than
criticism, self-hatred, avoidance, or emotional tirades. This is
another great quandary of being human. Where is the manual for dealing
with emotions in a healthy way? Where are the classes for being a
great parent? How are we supposed to learn these things without so
much suffering? Our parents are only doing what they were taught by
people who were doing what they were taught. Perhaps someday we will
see free parenting skills classes and emotional skills classes as part
of every school curriculum. Until then, we must learn on our own and
teach each other. Practical mystics do this as well. But they teach by
invitation only and never impose their knowledge onto someone except
by request.
The world is filled with fixers, people who want to make everything
right. Though the intention is a beautiful one-to alleviate
suffering-fixing only cripples people. It is like going to college for
someone, taking all the classes and then presenting them with a
degree. They learn nothing. Most fixing is born out of the incapacity
to bear the suffering of another. A practical mystic knows they must
learn to bear the suffering of others as well as their own. Not
because they are masochistic or because suffering should continue, but
because within all suffering is a gem of knowledge . We must find the
teachings of our suffering if we are to create a different world. We
must allow our children and our loved ones to learn their lessons
without doing it for them or removing the pain temporarily because we
cannot bear it. That is ultimately a selfish act. The selfless
alternative is to teach the skills we speak about and become a model
in the world by doing this ourselves. While it is essential to bear
the struggles of another, this does not mean that we abandon our loved
ones. When it is their time in the desert, we can hold their hand, we
can stand by their side and be completely with them. We can be a
beloved to them, we can give them support and encouragement (not tell
them what to do!), we can give them gentle soothing words of the heart
and let them know we understand how hard this must be. But they must
walk out on their own power. If this seems illogical, the proof is in
the doing. In the end, we must all walk out of our own desert by
bearing our pain and finding the distant shore. Ideally, we will have
the privilege of being surrounded by loving companions.
A practical mystic is ultimately interested in what works in the
world. Emotional alchemy is one such paradigm. Logic states we should
avoid discomfort at all costs, yet we are asked to do the unthinkable
and bear the unbearable. We are asked to see the value in negative
feelings. In the carrying of our suffering in a true way, we discover
its hidden gift that could not possibly be known in a any other way.
We are able to redeem the light, not only in what is beautiful, but in
what is not so beautiful as well. Therein lies the challenge of
humanity. The work of life is to be in our imperfection and be alright
with it. In the richness of that acceptance, emotions are transformed
and life in all its ups and downs can find a place to rest.
If there are secrets to happiness, one of them is this. It is not in
the elimination of all that is bad or unhealed, but in developing the
capacity to bear those parts and find the beauty in them in the
process. This is emotional alchemy at its best.
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