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There is an ancient and well-kept
secret to happiness and well-being that the Great Ones rarely talk
about but frequently utilize, and is one which is fundamental to good
mental health. This secret is called The Fine Art of Not Being
Offended. In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able
to see that every statement, action and reaction of another human
being is the sum result of their total life experience to date. In
other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they
do from their own set of fears, conclusions, defenses and attempts to
survive. Most of it, even when aimed directly at us, has nothing to do
with us. It usually has more to do with all the other times and in
particular the first few times that this person experienced a similar
situation, usually when they were young. Yes, this is psychodynamic.
But let's face it, we live in a world where psychodynamics are what
make the world go around. An individual who wishes to live
successfully in the world as a spiritual person really needs to
understand that psychology is as spiritual as prayer. In fact, the
word psychology literally means, the study of the soul. Those of us
who are either ignorant of this fact or who believe this is not true
often tend to have unnecessary suffering where there could be joy.
All of that said, almost NOTHING is personal. Nothing. Even with our
closest loved ones and beloved partners and children and friends. We
are all swimming in the projections and filters of each other's life
experiences and often we are just the stand-ins, the chess pieces of
life to which our loved ones have their own built-in reactions. This
is not to dehumanize life or take the intimacy out of our
relationships, but mainly for us to know that almost every time we get
offended, we are actually just in a misunderstanding. The true
embodiment of this idea actually allows for more intimacy and less
suffering throughout all of our relationships. When we know that we
are the one who happens to be standing in the right place at the right
psychodynamic time for someone to say or do what they are doing, we
don’t have to take life personally. If it isn’t us, it will likely be
someone else. This frees us to be a little more detached to the
reactions of people around us. How often do we react to a statement of
another by being offended rather than seeing that the other might
actually be hurting? In fact, every time we get offended, it is
actually an opportunity to extend kindness to one who may be
suffering—even if they themselves do not appear that way on the
surface. All anger, all acting out, all harshness, all criticism, is
in truth a form of suffering. When we provide no velcro for it to
stick, something changes in the world. We do not even have to say a
thing. In fact it is usually better not to say a thing. People who are
suffering are usually not keen on the fact of someone pointing it out.
We do not have to be our loved one’s therapist. We need only
understand the situation and move on. In the least, we ourselves
experience less suffering and at best, we have a chance to make the
world a better place.
This is also not to be confused with allowing ourselves to be hurt,
neglected or taken advantage of. True compassion does not allow harm
to our selves either. But when we know that nothing is personal, a
magical thing also happens. All the seeming abusers of the world start
to leave our lives. Once we are conscious, so-called abuse can only
happen if we believe what the other is saying. When we know nothing is
personal, we also do not end up feeling abused. We can say, 'Thank you
for sharing," and carry on. We are not hooked by what another does or
says, since we know it is not about us. When we know that our worth is
inherent within us and not determined by what another says, does or
believes, we can take the world a little less seriously. And if
necessary, we can just walk away without creating more misery for
ourselves.
The great challenge of our world is to live a life of contentment
regardless of what other people do, say, think or believe. The fine
art of not being offended is one of the many options for being a
practical mystic. Yet I suspect it is the task of a lifetime. It
certainly is for me.
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